4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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