OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
