You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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