i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
