there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
