Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize