I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
