I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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