I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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