Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
