I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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