Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
