the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
