just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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