Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she smelled like a LAN party
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
