The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Still dying that you shit outside
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
