just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
