he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
im on a boat
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