This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
