All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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