I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
