just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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