Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
