My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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