My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
