well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
