Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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