I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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