my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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