you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
