apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
