Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
