im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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