Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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