My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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