i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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