Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
