If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
