shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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