happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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