I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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