I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize