Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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