I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
