I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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