i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
