she woke up with a sticky ear
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
