Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
