I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
