I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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