I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
