Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
