shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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