I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
