eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
