he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
