I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
