I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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