Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
