i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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